Buti na lang sinapak ako ni God!

In 2005, a few months before my 35th birthday, I was in self-inflicted pain. I was totally depressed and wrecked. I don't know if it was a mid-life crisis but looking back, that was really hell! i was attacked by negative thoughts and pessimism that made me all the more depressive. I was relying on Stilnox at times to let me sleep.

One late night, i had nothing to do and there was an urge to write. I picked up the "35 random questions from someone who will soon be 35yo" as its title. As you can see in the notes below, i never got to finish the supposed 35 questions to justify why my life sucks.

Then, I told myself, sige nga, will try to write down 35 things why I should be grateful for my life… and whoaaa!!! the thoughts just kept on flowing, beyond the 35 i originally considered! And I remember, i completed it in less than 30 minutes…

I am sharing with you guysa glimpse of what must be the darkest moment of my soul, with the hope that one may learn a lesson or two out of my experience.

Mas madami pa ding blessings kesa mga kamalasan… it's just a matter of which way to look at. I discovered that focusing on the positive will make the difference. Life is all about choices. From then on, i chose and i still choose to be happy… and grateful.

HAPPY WEEKEND!!!

Here's what i've written two years ago… incluDing the unfinished item No. 25

35 random questions from someone who will soon be 35yo:

1. What do you do when you reviewed your existence for the past 35 years and found out that you're life is a mess in several aspects?

2. What do you do when one of the major dreams that you set to achieve at 35 crumbles right before your very eyes?

3. What do you do when you feel that you never felt this poor and miserable your whole life?

4. What do you do when you feel burdened by family obligations?

5. What do you do when your bestfriend left to find his destiny somewhere else and you feel so alone?

6. What do you do when loneliness strikes you at times coz there is no one (someone who really understands you and can get through your soul) to talk to coz they could not relate anyway…

7. What do you do when you are surrounded with few people you consider friends but they could not fully understand you because they are not of your kind…

8. What do you do when you thought you are emitionally okay only to find out that the past still haunts you and you are still hurting at times?

9. What do you do when you realized that through the years, you have not fully recovered/ healed from a relationship that you thought existed?

10. What do you do when the "Ice Queen" persona that you created for yourself to prevent others from hurting you, has also become a tool to prevent others from loving you?

11. What do you do when you want to open yourself to LOVE but scared at the same time at the thought of the hurt that it can cause you again?

12. What do you do when you feel your life has been on a plateau because you've been used to the speedy climb up the ladder of success?

13. What do you do when you feel now that nothing much is happening in terms of your career and your personal life?

14. What do you do when you want to soar but your wings are clipped by circumstances beyond your control?

15. WHat do you do when anxiety attacks you in the middle of the night because of thoughts of a bleak not-so-distant-future?

16. What do you do when you feel you are alienated from your family?

17. What do you do when you really want to travel but have no means to do that?

18. What do you do when you think of yourself 40 years from now and fear that you live by your lonesome and ho one is taking care of you?

19. What do you do when you think of the future and picture yourself without the people you have grown closed to? (your parents, friends who passed away ahead of you)

20. What do you do when you have been living independently and have been accustomed to doing things on your own but will have to rely on somebody else when the time comes?

21.What do you do when you see others with a family and you don't have?

22. What do you do when you have more than a dozen expensive designer shoes and other materials goodies yet you feel so empty with your life?

23. What do you do when at 35 you are still trying to find your life's purpose?

24. What do you do when you feel that God seems deaf to your prayers and oh He is so far away and couldn't feel His presence…

25. What do you do when

 35 things to be grateful for:

1. loving family despite our differences

2. well-meaning friends

3. good health

4. my job

5. i still get to travel

6. my condo

7. my apartment

8. my shoes

9. i can still eat anything i want

10. buy things others cant afford to

11. weekly massages

12. my skills

13. i can still buy what i want

14. occasional windfall of money from heaven

15. money arriving at an unexpected time just in time for me to pay my bills

16. waking up every morning

17. my comfortable bed. i have one, others sleep in the street

18. simple things that make life worth living (eating ice cream, fish balls, etc)

19. im grateful for the rain. it m akes me feel young

20. i am physically fit to do body combat

21. my yoga/body balance class

22. meeting new friends at the gym

23. i have the means/money to pay for my taxi instead of riding a bus

24. i get to eat in cozy restaurants courtesy of the company

25. accomplishing my TO DO lists in the office

26. I am still effective in my job

27. I am grateful for the guys im having fun with

28. I have people under me in the office who make my job a bit easier

29. i have a maid in the house who is loyal

30. i am grateful for the good books that i read

31. i am grateful for the food that i eat

32. grateful for having enough money to buy for my medicines and food supplements

33. i have the capability to have a foot reflex wherever or whenver i want

34. i have an ipod nano

35. i have a huge collection of cd

36. huge collections of vcd/dvds, art films especially

37. grateful for people i met along the way who are there to help me depending on my needs at the moment (they are angels in disguise, i may say)

38. I am grateful for i believe i have evolved into a better person with the good and not-so-good experiences that i went through life

39. grateful for the lessons learned the hard way

40. i am still able to go to the mall and shop whenever i want despite the limited money i have

41. grateful for the pantry girl in the office who supplies me with free drinks and sells merienda

42. grateful for someone in the office selling cheap/affordable lunch

43. grateful for the laptop and internet courtesy of my office

44. good officemates who treat me as a colleague or a family member.

45. grateful for the office owned N70

46. grateful for the phone bills are shouldered by the office

47. grateful for the new age classical music which is my current passion

48. i have expensive watches

49. grateful for the flexible time i have in the office

50. grateful for peacefulness in my own room

51. grateful for my meditation time

52. grateful for being alone and not lonely

53. grateful for the "high" i get after an hour long work out at the gym

54. long walks in avenida, ongpin, recto with friends reminiscing of the old times

55. grateful for the headhunters that continue to show interest in me

56. grateful for the unexpected help from people i do not really expect to do something for me

57. grateful for the brighter things ahead of me

58. grateful that i can feel how GOD loves me so much

59. My guardian angel Hadriel

60. St. Clare of Assissi

61. Im grateful for there are still unfulfilled dreams which have the potential of getting realized in the future– ex. i'll travel to italy, live in tuscany, walk the roads of rome– im looking forward to that!

Face-to-face with the real Marimar… Awww!!!!

Since ni-revive ang Marimar ngayon… I decided to share with those who care to read my face-to-face encounter with Thalia, not once but twice

The first time was here in Manila, and the second time was in her native country, Mexico, in 1997. Read on…

Eleven years ago, Thalia, more popularly known that time as Marimar the world over, was the darling of the Filipino nation. If my memory serves me right, I guess it was in early 1996 that the telenovela was shown on RPN 9. It became such

a sensation that everybody was talking about the telenovela, to the point that even "macho"guys would go home early to catch Marimar. Not mainly because of the story, of course but to get a glimpse of the nymphet who can be so innocent-looking and a tempest at once. She was a phenomenon, no doubt about it.

When she came for a visit, the nation embraced her as its own. Never mind if the star can't even speak straight english. "Mahal ko kayo" and "Salamat po" were enough to merit their admiration and adulation for this lady, who had the smallest waistline I've ever seen! (I heard that she had the last layer of her ribs removed… don't know if it's really true or just part of an urban legend…)

The  free concert she held at the Araneta Coliseum was jampacked and in fact, a lot of people were not able to get in. There was pandemonium. Had the authorities been remissed of their duties, a stampede would not be impossible at all.

Her courtesy call in Malacanang was anticipated by everyone. In my 10 years in Malacanang, no one can rival the attention and the reception (of course, second only to Pope John Paul II's visit a year ealier 1n January 1995) that Thalia got when she went there. It was as if time stood still. Work stopped for a while, Palace employees, along with their relatives, queued the tree-lined road from Malacanang's Admin Bldg leading to the sentry gate of the Palace proper.

Upstairs, at Malacanang's Main Conference Room (MCR), which is now the private quarter of President Arroyo, household staff with their relatives stood excitedly with matching cameras (di pa uso nun ang digital), ready to take a snap shot when Thalia arrives. MCR was the venue of the courtesy call.

Thalia, i remember, was accompanied by her mother, a sister, and her manager. They were very nice. Thalia was very accommodating to the Palace staff wanting to take a picture with her… A few minutes later, FVR and Mrs. Ramos arrived. And the photographers went wild, scrambling for the best position to take the winning angles! FVR bussed Thalia… Thalia bussed Mrs. Ramos… a couple of pleasantries… a few exchanges of conversation (There was an interpreter for Thalia). The call, lasted for 15 minutes. The room was getting hotter as more usizeras arrived. It was an unforgettable experience.

I would have wanted to take a photo opp with her at that time. Kaya lang sobrang parang palengke ang MCR. Anyhow, Fast forward to May 1997. I was in Mexico City as part of the Philippine delegation during President Ramos' state visit. One early morning (around 8 am i think), we were at the azotea of Mexico's presidential palace waiting for the state welcome ceremonies to be accorded on PFVR by then Mexico's President Ernesto Zedillo. Lo and behold!!! I saw a lady who certainly looked like Thalia. I approached her. She was indeed Thalia! I was not quite sure at first if she was Thalia because she was so conservatively dressed (I remember her meeting with PFVR, she was wearing a dress with a very low neckline that her cleavage was showing for all the world to see. That's why you cant blame FVR and his aides if they can't help but look at her chest hehe). The photos above were taken in Mexico. Aside from me, the others in photos were fellow journalists who were part of the media delegation.

Sans fanfare, Thalia was there to attend the ceremonies because,'as I recall her saying, she promised FVR during their Malacanang meeting that she will be in Mexico to welcome him when he visits. And so, her promised was fulfilled. Thalia also told us at that time, she will be returning to Manila for a couple of projects. That was in May 1997. I am not so sure of the dates, but Thalia did go back to the country after that Mexico trip.

By that time though, she was no longer that popular. There was no courtesy call on PFVR, no concerts, no TV guestings. I read in the papers that she went to Marikina for some Clean and Green project and she slipped out of the country quietly.

Oplan: Pagbabalik: Marcos body returns to RP

September 10– My day is ending… hmmm what would i share with my on-line friends kaya? i'm in no mood to blog something personal… Okay, just to mark my day, i decided to share with those who will care to read a piece of history… Just a factual account of what transpired in Malacanang a few weeks before September 10, 1993 (exactly 14 years ago)…

I chose to touch on former President Ferdinand Marcos. Specifically, the return of his body to the Philippines on September 7, 1993 and its "burial" on September 10, 1993 in Batac, Ilocos Norte. Besides, tomorrow is his birthday. He would have been 90 years old.

I remember that the "Marcos: Oplan Pagbabalik" was on top of the agenda during a Cabinet meeting, which was presided by then President Ramos. As a close-in reporter, I was privileged to cover his weekly Cabinet meetings and other crucial Palace happenings. I still kept some of my notes and relevant documents with the hope of writing a book someday (yes! that's my dream hehe).

The return of the remains of FM was approved by the Aquino administration in 1992 but i remember that at the last minute, it was announced that the body will be allowed to return only after the 1992 elections so that the government can concentrate in ensuring peace and order during the polls.

So, the responsibility of handling the return of Marcos body fell on FVR. During his first visit to Laoag in 1992 after he won the elections, I remember that former FL Imelda Marcos was on hand at the airport to welcome the presidential party. (That was the first time I saw Imelda in person, and I couldn't help but be in awe. She was really stunning in a black dress. Of course, I had my picture taken with her!).

That trip, which was termed as a "healing" visit, I believe, paved the way to finally have the Marcos body brought to RP. For a few more months later, the Cabinet was already preparing "Oplan: Pagbabalik."

At that particular Cabinet meeting, where the issue was discussed, a department secretary, which i wouldn't name for now, issued a report to FVR. The Plan of Action was eventually approved by President Ramos.

I am attaching a scanned copy of  the first page of the handwritten report and will re-type EXCERPTS of the report so one can read it clearly.

Read on:

"We have forged a meeting of the minds with Congressmen Roquito Ablan and Bongbong Marcos. It revolves around the letter of undertaking submitted by Cong. Ablan to the President. The President gave his conditional approval provided Imelda Marcos and her children agree to it, additional documents turned in by Cong. Ablan, and NO to a wake in the Consulate in Honolulu.

"Basically, the letter says that the funeral rites will be simple, covering a 4 day period, from Sept. 7-10 where the body will be brought directly to Laoag and for the ceremonies to be confined within Ilocos Norte.

"There has been substantial compliance so far, thus, the green light is still on. A meeting last week with Congressman Ablan and Marcos elicited the following affirmations:

1.) Cong. Marcos, representing his mother and the family, concurred with Cong. Ablan's representations.

2.) Liaison officers will be detailed by the PNP for police coordination

3.) Passenger manifest and approvals of the flight plan by the FAA and ATO will be submitted on or before 2 Sept.

"As advised by the AFP, the family decided to waive the military honors due a Major. The PNP has been advised of your instructions that the government will not post a security detail in excess of 2, and will not object to private bands and veterans groups from being used by the family to accord honors to the late President.

"We have 3 TF commanders: 1 to directly oversee Oplan Pagbabalik proper in Ilocos Norte, another in Metro Manila, and another to control the highway in Region 1, especially to Agoo, La Union.

"We are awaiting the submission of the final passenger manifest which was promised on or before 2 September, as well as the approved Flight Plan. The body is scheduled to leave Honolulu for Guam on September 5, and leave Guam for Laoag on September 7. Continental Flight No. 11, a Boeing 727 aircraft, has been chartered to bring in the body.

"So far, we have no reason to believe that the Marcos family will renege on the agreement. The meetings have been cordial and accommodating.

"Congressman Marcos called to convey his thanks to you, Mr. President, for allowing the use of the National Tobacco Administration building across DMMSU, and for the inbound passengers aboard Flight 11 to leave the country via NAIA.

"In any case, the committee is coordinating with the US law enforcement community, the US embassy and the State department through the DFA, and with the ATO working closely with the PNP, DND-AFP, and DOTC to properly monitor the events from the time the remains are taken out of the cemetery (I am assuming this is in Hawaii) up to the time that it is buried in Batac on Sept. 10." (end)

And so, it came to pass– 14 years ago today, FM's body was buried in an airconditioned crypt that is now attracting hundreds of tourists in Batac.

Of "Ice Queens" and "Ice Kings"

I was awakened this morning by a Christmas song being played over the radio. And I realized today is September 1, the start of the “BER”months that would unofficially start the Christmas season in the Philippines. The DJ has also started their official countdown… “It’s 115 days to go before Christmas,”he said excitedly. “And beginning today, we will count the days til we reach the D-day!!!”

“Yeah, right” I shut back as if the DJ was in my room to personally wake me up. I looked at my watch, “Gosh, it’s only 7 a.m,. too early to wake up on a Saturday,” I said thinking aloud. I was irritated coz  I couldn’t blame anybody except myself. I forgot to re-adjust the alarm of my component last night. I was too engrossed reading “Queen of Dreams,” a novel by Indian novelist Chitra Divakaruni (who also wrote “Mistress of Spices” and “Vine of Desire,”among others).

Anyhow, I woke up—so to speak—at the wrong side of the bed. Once I wake up, it’s very hard for me to go back to sleep again. So what would someone do when he  wakes up three hours earlier than he originally intended?

Still in bed, looking at the ceiling, clearing my thoughts and thinking about my “To Dos” for the day, another Christmas song was played on the airwave, this time the mushy song of Gary V. “Pasko na Sinta Ko” Arrrgh, what a song!!! Kaaga-aga (literally), tama bang patugtugin ang kantang yan? Nakakasira ng mood. (Actually, I don’t consider it a Christmas song since all songs in honor of the birth of Jesus Christ are supposed to be happy and cheerful!) “Okay, enough already,” I quickly turned off the radio. Hayyy…. What a way to start my day. “Oh, God, please make my day okay. I don’t want my Saturday to be ruined. I don’t want to be grumpy,” I prayed.

Thank, God. My day was A-Ok. I was able to accomplish my “To Do”list—went to the gym, also had my massage, and on my way home, dropped by Rustan’s Bon Appetit to grab their Rhum Cake, which I’ve been craving for weeks now. Last week, it was out of stock. I’m glad they had it this time.

Reviewing my day while writing this entry, I cannot but think again of the mushy Gary V. song that nearly ruined my day. And I cannot help but pose this question, aren’t Christmas songs supposed to be about celebrating the birth of Jesus and everything about Him? Di ba dapat sya ang bida? It’s just my thought… and a question…

I don’t know, but I avoid listening to Christmas songs that have nothing to do with the birth of Christ at all, especially “Christmas love songs.” Am I the only one feeling this way?” Is it because I’m loveless and songs like “Pasko na Sinta Ko” can stir quite an emotion (read—depress) to people who are members of the club “Samahang Malalamig ang Pasko”?

Am I acting “unfriendly” (read—hostile) towards these types of songs, which use Christmas to awaken dormant emotions of people, who think they have long forgotten the feeling of being romantically in love with someone? People who think they are “Ice Queens”and “Ice Kings”(read—people like me).

Ahhh, whatever… Anyway, my day ended well. And that’s what matters. I don’t want to dwell on negative thoughts.

 The rain, as I was writing this entry, has started to fall. God knows how much I love the rain. I am taking it as His message that I should stop analyzing, that I should now turn my laptop off and just savor the falling rain.

What an added gift! I really love the rain. I love its sound. It has a soothing effect on me. Kung pwede nga lang, maligo pa ko sa ulan but it’s late already. Thank you, God for the rain tonight.