Buti na lang sinapak ako ni God!

In 2005, a few months before my 35th birthday, I was in self-inflicted pain. I was totally depressed and wrecked. I don't know if it was a mid-life crisis but looking back, that was really hell! i was attacked by negative thoughts and pessimism that made me all the more depressive. I was relying on Stilnox at times to let me sleep.

One late night, i had nothing to do and there was an urge to write. I picked up the "35 random questions from someone who will soon be 35yo" as its title. As you can see in the notes below, i never got to finish the supposed 35 questions to justify why my life sucks.

Then, I told myself, sige nga, will try to write down 35 things why I should be grateful for my life… and whoaaa!!! the thoughts just kept on flowing, beyond the 35 i originally considered! And I remember, i completed it in less than 30 minutes…

I am sharing with you guysa glimpse of what must be the darkest moment of my soul, with the hope that one may learn a lesson or two out of my experience.

Mas madami pa ding blessings kesa mga kamalasan… it's just a matter of which way to look at. I discovered that focusing on the positive will make the difference. Life is all about choices. From then on, i chose and i still choose to be happy… and grateful.

HAPPY WEEKEND!!!

Here's what i've written two years ago… incluDing the unfinished item No. 25

35 random questions from someone who will soon be 35yo:

1. What do you do when you reviewed your existence for the past 35 years and found out that you're life is a mess in several aspects?

2. What do you do when one of the major dreams that you set to achieve at 35 crumbles right before your very eyes?

3. What do you do when you feel that you never felt this poor and miserable your whole life?

4. What do you do when you feel burdened by family obligations?

5. What do you do when your bestfriend left to find his destiny somewhere else and you feel so alone?

6. What do you do when loneliness strikes you at times coz there is no one (someone who really understands you and can get through your soul) to talk to coz they could not relate anyway…

7. What do you do when you are surrounded with few people you consider friends but they could not fully understand you because they are not of your kind…

8. What do you do when you thought you are emitionally okay only to find out that the past still haunts you and you are still hurting at times?

9. What do you do when you realized that through the years, you have not fully recovered/ healed from a relationship that you thought existed?

10. What do you do when the "Ice Queen" persona that you created for yourself to prevent others from hurting you, has also become a tool to prevent others from loving you?

11. What do you do when you want to open yourself to LOVE but scared at the same time at the thought of the hurt that it can cause you again?

12. What do you do when you feel your life has been on a plateau because you've been used to the speedy climb up the ladder of success?

13. What do you do when you feel now that nothing much is happening in terms of your career and your personal life?

14. What do you do when you want to soar but your wings are clipped by circumstances beyond your control?

15. WHat do you do when anxiety attacks you in the middle of the night because of thoughts of a bleak not-so-distant-future?

16. What do you do when you feel you are alienated from your family?

17. What do you do when you really want to travel but have no means to do that?

18. What do you do when you think of yourself 40 years from now and fear that you live by your lonesome and ho one is taking care of you?

19. What do you do when you think of the future and picture yourself without the people you have grown closed to? (your parents, friends who passed away ahead of you)

20. What do you do when you have been living independently and have been accustomed to doing things on your own but will have to rely on somebody else when the time comes?

21.What do you do when you see others with a family and you don't have?

22. What do you do when you have more than a dozen expensive designer shoes and other materials goodies yet you feel so empty with your life?

23. What do you do when at 35 you are still trying to find your life's purpose?

24. What do you do when you feel that God seems deaf to your prayers and oh He is so far away and couldn't feel His presence…

25. What do you do when

 35 things to be grateful for:

1. loving family despite our differences

2. well-meaning friends

3. good health

4. my job

5. i still get to travel

6. my condo

7. my apartment

8. my shoes

9. i can still eat anything i want

10. buy things others cant afford to

11. weekly massages

12. my skills

13. i can still buy what i want

14. occasional windfall of money from heaven

15. money arriving at an unexpected time just in time for me to pay my bills

16. waking up every morning

17. my comfortable bed. i have one, others sleep in the street

18. simple things that make life worth living (eating ice cream, fish balls, etc)

19. im grateful for the rain. it m akes me feel young

20. i am physically fit to do body combat

21. my yoga/body balance class

22. meeting new friends at the gym

23. i have the means/money to pay for my taxi instead of riding a bus

24. i get to eat in cozy restaurants courtesy of the company

25. accomplishing my TO DO lists in the office

26. I am still effective in my job

27. I am grateful for the guys im having fun with

28. I have people under me in the office who make my job a bit easier

29. i have a maid in the house who is loyal

30. i am grateful for the good books that i read

31. i am grateful for the food that i eat

32. grateful for having enough money to buy for my medicines and food supplements

33. i have the capability to have a foot reflex wherever or whenver i want

34. i have an ipod nano

35. i have a huge collection of cd

36. huge collections of vcd/dvds, art films especially

37. grateful for people i met along the way who are there to help me depending on my needs at the moment (they are angels in disguise, i may say)

38. I am grateful for i believe i have evolved into a better person with the good and not-so-good experiences that i went through life

39. grateful for the lessons learned the hard way

40. i am still able to go to the mall and shop whenever i want despite the limited money i have

41. grateful for the pantry girl in the office who supplies me with free drinks and sells merienda

42. grateful for someone in the office selling cheap/affordable lunch

43. grateful for the laptop and internet courtesy of my office

44. good officemates who treat me as a colleague or a family member.

45. grateful for the office owned N70

46. grateful for the phone bills are shouldered by the office

47. grateful for the new age classical music which is my current passion

48. i have expensive watches

49. grateful for the flexible time i have in the office

50. grateful for peacefulness in my own room

51. grateful for my meditation time

52. grateful for being alone and not lonely

53. grateful for the "high" i get after an hour long work out at the gym

54. long walks in avenida, ongpin, recto with friends reminiscing of the old times

55. grateful for the headhunters that continue to show interest in me

56. grateful for the unexpected help from people i do not really expect to do something for me

57. grateful for the brighter things ahead of me

58. grateful that i can feel how GOD loves me so much

59. My guardian angel Hadriel

60. St. Clare of Assissi

61. Im grateful for there are still unfulfilled dreams which have the potential of getting realized in the future– ex. i'll travel to italy, live in tuscany, walk the roads of rome– im looking forward to that!