He Can See Clearly Now

 He has made all things beautiful in His time." - Ecclesiastes 3:11

His world crumbled when he had to give up the condo by the bay. After all, it was his dream to have one overlooking Manila Bay. A substantial chunk of his hard earned money went to the amortization of the property. Therefore, when he couldn’t afford anymore to pay the monthly amortization due to some unexpected family obligations, it was as if his dream was crushed before his very eyes.

He had to asked God why does it have to happen. "Did i do you any wrong? What have i done to deserve this?" he lamented. But his questions seemed to have fallen on deaf ears. No answer… or so he thought.

It was very painful. The flat, for him, was perfect. (He dreamed of having a condo with a balcony and an ocean view. He got it. Not really a full view of the ocean but at least he can see it still since having a full front view will be very expensive. He settled for a unit in the 8th floor. That’s all he can afford. Not bad. In fung shui, 8 is a good number.) 

He had to make a personal appeal to the president of the  real estate company just to salvage some of the money he invested. The president was gracious enough. As a compromise, he will transfer to a new condo project of the company somewhere in Makati;  the expenses from the bay condo incurred by the company- i.e. taxes paid, registration, agent’s commission, etc.– will have to be deducted from the amount he has already paid. Still a huge amount but better than nothing. So with a heavy hard, he agreed.

His agent gave him a good location- a 1BR loft on the 32nd floor and a corner unit. It also has a balcony and the Manila Bay is still very visible. He will have a full front view of the sea. Ok na rin. He may have to wait a while since expected turn over is still in late 2009 or early 2010.

And so, for almost a year now, he has been paying the Makati unit diligently. But whenever he sees his previous unit now standing tall in the bay area, the hurt returns. Forever, it will remind him of a major disaster in his life. The Manila Bay condo is very visible from the 27F of the building where his office station is.

In late May, his real estate agent called.

Agent: Hey, ahmm, there’s a problem with regards to your flat. The developer will have to convert all the units in the 32nd floor into a 1BR flat. No longer a loft.

Guy: Huh? how can that be? I want a loft. That’s what the contract said.

Agent: Yea, i know. Will try to do something,

Guy: Ok. But please let’s make it clear to the developer, much as i appreciated the kindness of the president, I want the loft. That’s what the contract that i signed said. If they can’t give it, i will have to withdraw all the investment i have and look for another unit. I cant bear another disappointment.

Fast forward. Mid-June:

Agent: I have great news for you!

Guy: Really? tell me about it

Agent:  You will have your loft. And since the loft will only be available at the Penthouse, there you will be! This will be at no extra charge. You’ll have the same payment terms… and what’s more, since there will be just several units in the 37th, all loft owners will have a private viewing deck and a garden.

He was speechless.

He then realized, GOD gave all the wishes of his heart… and more. He dreamed of a full Manila bay view- check. A balcony- check. Bonus: the location is very near his workplace, it’s a loft with a garden, and more importantly, in two years time, he will live at the penthouse.

Finally, his question was answered and he can see clearly now. He must have done somothing good to deserve all these

Image provided by http://www.flickr.com/photos/traces/895338560/

Getting Personal

 In the company magazine that I am handling, there is a section where we feature employees via Q&A of sort. Hence, the section is called "Getting Personal." 

Several featured employees told me they had a hard time answering most of the questions. I decided to try it myself. Totoo nga… I thought it was that simple. The questions made me think. More than thinking, it put me in a reflective mode.

Here it goes:

Before PMPMI, I used to work at … Hemisphere Leo Burnett for three years as a senior PR Manager. Prior to that, I was in Malacanang for 10 years starting as a junior presidential writer to head of the Malacanang Press Office’s Substantive Group when I left in 2001.

In PMPMI, my job is to…mainly oversee the internal communications functions of the Corporate Affairs department. I am also into External comm– doing media relations and writing speeches, organizing events, etc.

Working in PMPMI is…very challenging. One is always in the fast lane. The issues never end!  

The thing I love most about the job is…I still get to do what I love most—writing. There are also perks that go with my post J

In 10 years time, I see myself …hmmm… I’ll be 48 by then… so it’s like I am counting the days towards retirement. I said I want to retire at 50 to pursue other things that have to be set aside for now due to some obligations.

People might be surprised to know that I…still long for a quiet and contemplative life, away from the crowd. Entering a monastery is still a very strong option for me. And until now, I still wonder why I am into public relations, meaning always meeting with people, socializing, partying.

The most important lesson in life that I learned is …goodness does not beget goodness all the time. Me mga assholes talaga na kahit gawan mo nang mabuti, sasaksakin ka pa din sa likod.

The best thing that ever happened to me was…when I became the close-in writer of President Fidel Ramos. I got to travel the world, shook hands with world leaders, lived in palaces—all for FREE J

The biggest risk that I ever took was …leaving Malacanang, my playground for 10 years; and accepting a job offer from Leo Burnett to be a PR consultant for PMPMI.

And what this taught me was…big risk means big return. 

The secret to happiness is…living simply. I am now simplifying my life, discarding unnecessary luggages. I want to travel light.

The formula to success is… prayers, lots of it… and of course, hard work and excellence in what ever you do.

The soundtrack of my life would include…right now, it’s Diana Ross’/Mariah Carey’s “Do You Know Where You’re Going To.”

The thing that I cannot tolerate is…mediocrity.

If I were the most powerful person on earth…I will eradicate poverty and everybody will live in comfort. I will also instill compassion in the heart of every human being so there will be no injustice. Only love.

If money is not an option, I … will resign from work right away, pack my things and explore the world. Of course, while globetrotting, there will be someone in-charge of giving money to all the poor families so they can start their own business hehe.

The best thing about family is that…I know I will always have a home.

When I’m gone, they would probably say…honestly, I really don’t know. I just hope that it will be something positive. I believe I am trying my very best to be a good person.

My hero is…a lot actually. At different points in my life, there were always someone who came along to save and help me. More than heroes, they were angels.

The thing that makes my life worth living is…knowing that you are existing because you have a mission—and that is to be God’s instrument for the fulfillment of HIS will.

My greatest hope for the future is… that I will be able to fulfill all the goals that I have set so that when the time is up, I will not have any regrets and will slip away peacefully.

My favorite moments are when…I’m exercising, especially the cool down part that includes meditation. That’s when I am most at peace—body and soul.

My best ever outfit consisted of… t-shirt,  ¾ shorts and rubber shoes. I go for comfort. I am not really a fashionista.

I’m saving up for…a condo. Actually, I am not saving for it. I am paying for it since 2005.

My biggest indulgence is… my weekly spa sessions. It used to be designer shoes and branded watches. Well, not anymore.

My current state of mind is… wondering whether or not I am on the path that is meant for me. Yes, I am happy. But fulfillment is something else. I feel I haven’t reached it. At least not yet.

My guiding principle in life is… What you sow is what you reap. Sooner or later, what you did will catch up on you.

I aspire to be…a good person. 

The mid-life bug: Is time a friend or a foe?

 Is time a friend or a foe?

I used to say time is on my side… That I have a lifetime to accomplish all my goals.

But recently, I have this feeling that time is running out. There are so many things to do. So many dreams to fulfill. So many goals to achieve. And yet SO LITTLE TIME. In the average lifespan of Filipinos at 70, i have already crossed the mid-point.

Must be the mid-life bug again. And i hate this feeling.  Thought I’m over and done with it. Grrrr….

The bug started when a couple of weeks ago, a US-based friend and her husband came for a short break. We were six barkadas way back in college and while in her previous visits (or on occasions when i was the one visiting her in the states), the discussions would be the latest chismis in Manila and other mundane things, I was actually amused that our topics lately have shifted to a new level of sort.

Oh boy, we were talking about children (theirs, not mine), growing families, careers,… and retirement. Yes, retirement! Gosh, i never gave it a serious thought until that fateful dinner.

That’s when I realized, "Oo nga ano… I am already into my late 30s. I guess it’s high time I should plan my future and prepare for old age…" When I started to think about that, it became clear that i have so many things in my "TO DO" list and wondered whether or not i will be able to achieve all in a lifetime… *sigh*  So many things to do, so little time.

I have to step back a little and may be, one of these days, I will get a clearer perspective and i will be able to chart my directions smoothly.

But as early as now, there are top three "TO DO" in my list which are non-negotiable. These are:

1.) I will retire at age 50 (that’s 12 years from now). I cant imagine myself working full time in a company when i reach that age. I want to own my time by then… (If I am still with my present company by that time, eligible na ko to retire coz that will be my 16th year there)

2.) I want to write a book. I also intend to pursue my other passions/ hobbies which had to take a back seat at this time. I want to pursue painting, fashion designing, and teaching even. I won’t mind studying again to take related courses.

3.) Travel. A psychic friend told me once that in my previous life, I was a gypsy. Well, Gypsy or not, I want to travel the world. If only money is not a problem, I would love to revisit again the 40 or so countries (and really explore these places) that I was fortunate to visit while i was in my 20s.

Only time can tell if I will be able to do all these. It is my hope that in the end, time will prove to be a friend…

Miracles for those who believe…

"Crazy" is an understatement to describe the past few weeks. I have no words for it. Just when maybe most of the companies are slowing down to get a feel of the season, certainly, not in our company.

But I am glad it's all behind me now… i don't even want to recall what I've been through.

Hmmm… but on the other hand, maybe i should look back and never forget that episode. I should stand tall and humble December as i proudly tell her "Hey, the challenges you hurled at me were nothing. I was able to deliver!"…

The month that is about to end really tested my spirit. In the end, I can say proudly i did well  but hell, i don't wanna go through that again. F***k… NEVER AGAIN!

I won't elaborate but let me just state that in life, lessons learned the hard way are the most valued and highly treasured…

I can't curse December… never will I curse it. How can I?  it's the birthday month of JESUS! He is also the reason why I was able to deliver.

The last task was almost impossible. Only a miracle could save the day. What did I do to make it happen? I PRAYED… and God took care of the rest. All the forces of the universe seemed to have conspired to make it happen.

I am grateful… I have finally exhaled… and i have three more days to savor the Christmas season.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!!!

(note: image lifted from  www.thebeatmuseumonwheels.com/ourblog/bixby.htm)

A Scoop of Durian Ice Cream started it all!

Davao City– I am once again in one of my favorite cities in the Philippines. The land of DURIAN ICE CREAM…

I've been frequenting the place since the early 90s. In fact, during the time of President Ramos, I was here almost six times a year or more (I remember our provincial trips all over Mindanao then was almost monthly because he wanted to promote the region as an investment area. In fact, it was during his tenure were the Brunei-Indonesia-Malaysia-Philippines East Asean Growth Area was created).

I was asked once what place in the Philippines I am willing to relocate or work and i said i wouldn't mind to be assigned in Baguio and Davao. I don't know but I have this special affection for this place. Not all the places i've been to in the Philippines have elicited this kind of affinity and level of comfort. (I've been to Batanes up north down to Tawi-Tawi down south and this is one thing I am grateful to FVR because as his close-in reporter then, I got to visit far-flung places in the country during his six-year term.)

Unfortunately, when I moved to the corporate world in 2001, my travels to this place have lessened. Therefore, each visit to this city is something that i look forward to. I am here for the Philippine Art Awards-Mindanao awarding ceremonies later and despite the huge tasks that we do here to ensure the event's success this afternoon, it seems it isn't work at all. I am having FUN here!

It's always nice to see old friends from way, way back. Though we seldom see each other, somehow the bond that was strengthened by time is as strong as ever,and getting stronger   in fact after my every visit. Last night, I was with Philippine Star Mindanao bureau chief Edith Regalado. This lady is such a charm. I call her "Princess of Davao." Through her, I got acquainted with members of the Davao-based media and one of them is Dennis Jay Santos of the Philippine Daily Inquirer, who was also with us last night.

It felt good to see the two of them. It feels even better to look back and reminisce of how one beautiful friendship blossomed through the years. We were so engaged with out chit-chat that lasted til 1.30 am today (Bitin!).

Dennis asked how Edith and I became friends and we both exclaimed (ala duet) "Durian Ice Cream!" and we laughed. Yes, a scoop of Durian ice cream started our 15-year friendship. I vividly recall, I was busy faxing a story to Manila back in 1992 at the old PIA office and I was so harassed when suddenly a jolly lady approached me with a broad smile holding a scoop of ice cream in a cone and said "o, mag-ice cream ka muna. durian yan, especialty ng davao."

I never ate durian fruit in my whole life  (until now) and i don't like its smell but instead of saying no to her, i gladly accepted the ice cream and i never had any regrets. From then on, it became one of my favorite flavors. I never miss eating durian ice cream whenever i go to Davao. In fact, I just had one a while ago hehe.

So when I'm back in Manila and think of Durian ice cream, i will not only relive the experience of savoring its exotic taste (Sadly, durian ice cream is not available in Manila), i will remember a great friendship. Nestle Durian ice cream started it all….

The ICe Queen as a Love Guru

Is November a month of broken relationships — at least to some people i know? And I am flattered (actually, I am amused) that these people, who do not necessarily know each other but all have one thing in common (ME), seek me in times of pain and sorrow.

Honestly, after years of being unattached (much so that i proclaimed myself as The Ice Queen), I personally think that I have no moral ascendancy to advice people on love. Well, life in general, may be… but LOVE??? How can I when I myself have not been triumphant in this area? But my friends think otherwise…  Oh well…

A few who sought my advice were in pain out of their own making– i categorized them as masochists, to which they agreed naman LOL. Sila ay mga true blue vhaklita o kaya mga babaeng feeling bading…

Others were victims of circumstances beyond their control and the case often involves betrayal. Right love at the wrong time ang mga drama nila… at napakadaming tanong, na ang akala nila, masasagot ko lahat…

Duh? do i look like a Guru? But in fairness to them and to myself, I really try to search for answers to their unending questions. I also emphatize with them (This is hard for me coz somehow, i have already forgotten the feeling of being in the midst of a messy relationship). Coz when there is nothing else to say, what matters is I am there for my friends to give them a hug and just listen.

Come to think of it, i've never uttered to any of my friends the four dreaded words "I Told You So." And I don't have plans of delivering these lines in the future. In my moments of solitude, i also reflected as to why i haven't told them those words, when it can be the easiest way to stop their kahibangans (on the other hand, i don't even want to term it as that.)

And this is what I found– despite being my self-proclaimed "The Ice Queen" title, I am still an ultra-romantic person at heart. I have always wished for everyone to have a happy-ever-after endings. Kung di man sa akin nangyari, o mangyayari, at least i will be a witness to one's happy ending.

I have read in one of my books that God only makes happy endings and if it's not happy, then it's not yet the end of the story…

I am a strong believer of that phrase. So, I am not an Ice Queen, after all… as what my good friend Vittorio often tells me…  Oo na, Vittorio– inaamin ko na, the Ice Queen persona was all illusion…

A Tribute to the People who Shaped my Life (Part II)

Here's the Part II of the list of people who have shaped my life… To them, i give my gratitude…

4. Secretary Fernando "Jerry" T. Barican (FTB)

  Student leader (he was the initiator of the so-called First Quarter Storm when a group of student activists stormed Malacanang Palace to protest the declaration of Martial Law by then President Marcos), brilliant lawyer, newspaper columnist, and President Estrada's spokesperson (1998-2000). But beyond these accolades, FTB is a person with a heart of gold.

I will always remember Secretary Barican for his kindness. When my career was in limbo because of the transition from Ramos to Estrada, he plucked me out of the press office, created the Office of the Presidential Spokesperson, and voila! He made me his chief writer. FTB was such a savior!

Perhaps, FTB was the most generous boss I ever had. In October 1998, while waiting for a flight back to Manila from Singapore, we were passing time by shopping at Changi's duty free shops. He entered a shop selling expensive watches. Casually, FTB asked me to choose which design I liked for him. I chose the special rose gold edition of the watch. I told him: "Sir, it suits you best. Very elegant." He bought the watch.  

I was surprised (more of a shock, really) to see a familiar box on top of my desk when my birthday came a month later (November). He gave the watch to me as a gift. Grabeee… it's one of my most cherished possessions today. Kahit magipit ako, di ko isasangla o ibebenta yun for sentimental reasons.

From him, I learned to be generous and share whatever blessings (big or small) i have, first and foremost, with my family and then with people who need help. I haven't seen him for some time but I wish him well…

5. Press Secretary Jesus "Jess" Sison

  Tatay Jess, as we fondly called him, was press secretary of FVR. A veteran newspaper man and respected columnist (Malaya and Abante) before he became my boss, Secretary Sison was like a father. He was "tatay" to all the members of the press covering the presidency.

Knowing how meager my salary was at that time, Tatay Jess would give me extra allowance every month. My favorite was during presidential foreign trips coz there will always be "pang-shopping" (in dollars!) for us, his children.

I also came to know the members of the Sison family. I became close to Mrs. Sison and their children, especially Ate Millen and Ate Izza. To them, I give my thanks…

(Tatay Jess passed away last July)

6. Press Secretary Hector "Chito" Villanueva

 Secretary Villanueva was Tatay Jess' successor. From him, I learned how to handle stress and controversies well. He was "Coolness" personified. Always in control even under pressure. While holding the press secretary portfolio, Chito was also the cuncurrent presidential spokesman. How stressful it must be for him to answer burning issues everyday– but still, at the end of the day, he remained "cool" ready for his after office gimik…

He taught me how to have fun and work at the same time. 

Talk about work-life balance…

At present, Chito is the head of the Philippine Postal Corp. (Philpost).

7. Carmen "Ching" Suva

  A grand daughter of Efifanio de los Santos (yes, EDSA), Tita Ching was Press Undersecretary Deedee Siytangco's successor. She was also the "Mother hen" of the Malacanang press, always, always putting the interest of her wards on top of her list.

When we had some messages (ok, favors) to relay to "Tatay Jess," Tita Ching was our intercessor. I always admired Tita Ching for her motherly care. A career professional, she rose from the ranks starting from a press office staff during the time of President Diosdado Macapagal. In 1992, she was appointed assistant press secretary by FVR until she became press undersecretary, a position she held both during the time of President Erap until she retired a few years ago under President Arroyo.

Tita Ching is a true-blue "PR" practitioner. Even until now, I still seek her help on some PR concerns. She knows everybody in the media industry. That's how huge her network is. But despite that, the woman remained simple, humble, low key. She would share with me some secrets of the trade to build lasting relationships with these people. Actually, the key, she said, is offering people with genuine friendship. 

I will never forget our shared experiences. We were together in all the presidential trips of FVR! Oh, how we enjoyed the world, Tita Ching! 

She is now VP for marekting and public relations of Manila Bulletin and The Manila Hotel.

8. Renato "Ato" Salud

He was the youngest presidential deputy spokesman of his time. He was only 27 when FVR appointed him in 1992 as the deputy of then presidential spokesperson Annabelle Tecson-Abaya.

A favorite of FVR way back when he was still Defense Secretary of Cory Aquino, Ato was his speechwriter. So, it was Ato who trained me to do speeches and statements (well, some of them) when FVR became president. HE trained me to learn the ways of our boss, especially his thoughts. Soon enough, I was drafting press statements on my own.

Before FVR's term ended, Ato went to Harvard for advance study and eventually joined the corporate world. I was left in the palace, serving the presidency of Estrada and then Arroyo . But I was surprised and touched to learn that even while he hasn't seen me for years, he has actually been looking for opportunities for me. I was surprised one day to receive a call from my present company, inviting me to join if i'm interested. Yes, he was head of Corporate Affairs of  our company at that time. And yes, he was instrumental for my eventual regularization.

He initiated me to the corporate world… and for that, I am grateful. Ato is now an expat in Singapore, holding a top regional position in his present company. Godspeed, Ato!

9.The One Who Got Away

It is said that people walk into our lives to teach us a lesson. If this is so, then I consider the "One who got away" one of my greatest life teachers. Through this person, I have discovered my self at its best… as well as my worst. I saw the side of me, which previously I didn't know existed. I was able to see my own demons. Through the One who Got Away, i learned my capacity to LOVE without limits (the best) but through this same person, i also learned what I am capable of doing at my worst (self-destruction). Now, I know better… and I have "The One who Got Away" to thank for…

In am devoting my next entry to the 10th and last person who made a difference in my life. He deserves to have a full blog .   *TO BE CONTINUED**

A Tribute to the People who Shaped my Life (Part I)

They are my mentors. To elevate it further, they are my Gurus. Without them, I will not probably be the person that I am now… Still on a reflective mode (must be a birthday hang over), I am listing down the names of 10 people who inspired and/or guided me to be where I am today…

(Note: I am excluding members of my family and my present bossess)

Here they are, at random:

1. President Cory Aquino

I was 21 when I became Cory's junior in-house reporter. I was star-struck when I first met her. That was August 1991. Imagine, face-to-face with the Icon of People Power and the first woman president in Asia! I only used to see her on TV and read about her in the papers.

Though I worked for her for only 10 months, she definitely is unforgettable. I was inspired by her simplicity. Napaka-low profile. She doesn't want to get unnecessary attention. Very unassuming.

She was very cautious about spending government money for Malacanang functions. Once, she treated the reporters (including me and the rest of her in-house coverage team) to a dinner at Malacanang's Heroes Hall. I overheard her telling the Household staff that she was paying the dinner from her personal fund.

My most memorable moment with Cory? I guess that will entail another blog. But let me just say briefly that it was when she visited Calauit Island in June 1992, one week before she turned over the reign of government to Fidel V. Ramos. I was privileged to see a very different Cory. Very casual. Very candid. Very ordinary. That was an experience I wouldn't forget. No Malacanang press corps– only me, documenting President Cory's activities, and some members of the Aquino family, especially her grandchildren.

2. Lourdes "Deedee" Siytangco

Now Manila Bulletin columnist, a TV talk show host, and Cory's spokesperson, Deedee was Cory's press undersecretary when I came on board. In fact, our department (the Presidential Press Staff-News Reportorial Section) was under her.

I remember Usec. Siytangco as the "mother hen" of the Malacanang press. And as a mother, she was very protective of her children. Being the bunso in President Cory's in-house coverage team, i can say that she was  extra nice to me. But she also trained me to be a reporter who must develop the "nose for news." I remember her giving me lectures (ok, "sabon") whenever I missed what she thought must be the "scoop of the day."

Deedee is also very thoughtful, always giving little things to her staff. Though I haven't seen her for years now, my admiration and fondness for Usec Deedee never wane. I miss her.

3. Joanne Rae Ramirez

She was my immediate boss during Cory's time. Joanne was the executive editor of the Presidential Press Staff. How can I forget her? She was the one who hired me! 

My final test when she was about to hire me was to write a press release on Cory's speech ( I forgot now what it was all about). I made a two-page news article. I was nervous, but she was so sweet and nice.

Being a neophyte, Joanne was so patient in mentoring me, correcting every piece i submit until such a time that I could write with very minimal editing (I almost jumped with joy, when one day, she returned a copy of the story i made without much corrections!)

And being the youngest in her team of reporters, she was also very protective of me, especially when "Mother hen" Deedee Siytangco had her bad hair days.

I will always love Joanne because when Cory's term was ending, she was the one who advised me to stay put. (After serving a few months under FVR, she moved to the Philippine Star where she is still connected until now as an associate editor.) When she was about to leave her post and i signified my intention to leave Malacanang and try to be a newspaper reporter, this was what she told me: "Jojo, you are still young. I see your potentials. Why don't you stay here for a while and give it a try? you might like working for FVR after all."

I obviously made the right decision when I heeded her words of wisdom. Until now, I still meet Joanne on some occasions. Aside from the Philippine Star, she is now the editor-in-chief of People Asia Magazine.

*** TO BE CONTINUED***

Queen of Dreams

 I wonder if God is showing me His unique sense of humour. In my imaginary face-to-face conversations with Him, I often say "Di kita ma-gets at di ko masakyan ang pang-aasar mo… buti na lang di ako pikon."

You see, in recent months, I feel like asking the universe (okay, okay… in fact, i did ask the universe) "why can my friends get to live my dreams, and i can't? Eh, ako kaya ang humihingi nun? hindi sila…" hahaha! funny no?

So, if something beautiful happens to my dear friends, i kiddingly tell them: "Hey, you are living my dream!" and they would tell me: "Sweetie, your time will come." And we laugh. Hay naku, Patience wouldn't be a virtue for nothing. I think this is what the universe is trying to teach me…

I just recently finished reading the book "The Queen of Dreams" by noted Indian novelist Chitra Divakaruni. There was a paragraph in the book that caught my attention, coz it captured perfectly how I feel at the moment.

The line goes: "Watching them, I feel at once happy and lonely. It's not the loneliness of being without a mate, but something more primal. As though I were the only one being left on this side of the glass, while the rest of the world– happy, uncaring– lived out its life in the other side. They were aware of my presence, they even waved to me from time to time, as Belle was doing, but they didn't know how it felt to be looking in, waving back, unable to cross over…" (p. 182 )

Addicted to Love and Heartless Zombies

“People ask, why fall in love when being hurt is a certainty? My answer? It makes me feel I am alive… coz whether I feel the greatest hurt or the greatest love, sheer bliss or flood of tears, on top of the world or at the bottom of the damned chain, it made my heart beat fervently… I tell you, I’d rather fall in love over and over again than to blend in with millions of heartless zombies who resolved to play safe…”

I don’t know what prompted Vittorio to text me that message. My speculation is that he was more of justifying his feelings than anything else. My dear friend is in love again. And I, as well as the rest of the barkada are raising our eyebrows with his choice of a partner. (In fact, Vittorio even accused me one time that I am biased to his ex, which of course I vehemently deny.)

Vittorio said his goodbyes to this current love interest maybe a thousand times already. Ayun, sa awa ng Diyos, magkasama pa din sila hanggang ngayon… There were moments when Vittorio would ask me if he should let go of his partner. Much as I would like to tell him he should, I know it will be unfair for the two of them.

I do not really know Viottorio’s current flame to be able to pass a fair judgment. I only get to hear my friend’s side of the story. So, I tell Vittorio: “You will have to decide for yourself. Ikaw ang nakakakilala sa kanya. Eh kahit na sabihin kong layasan mo na yan, di ka din naman makikinig di ba? We both know that coz we’re both stubborn. Ang importante, you do not lose your dignity and self-respect.”

When I was in a relationship, I never followed my friends’advices anyway, especially the unsolicited ones. But I always kept these well-meaning advices in my mind so I won’t forget. “Di ko naman sila pinakikinggan. Ako pa din naman ang masusunod. I just waited for my boiling point because I know it will certainly arrive,” I said. When it happened, it was very easy to say “I’m done. I’m through with love…” and I never looked back. (That was how I became an “Ice Queen.”)

Going back to Vittorio, looks like everything is okay in his world now (or may be he just realized that Kris Aquino is not exactly an ideal role model?). I never hear him complain but I know they still are together. I don’t ask either because I fully respect his privacy.

I do not know if my dear friend is waiting for his own boiling point but I really wish that everything is now really okay between them. And more than wishing, I pray that their relationship will be something that Vittorio is hoping for. He is a good person with a heart of gold. And having through a lot to fight for this relationship, Vittorio deserves nothing but the best, served on a golden (diamond even) platter.

“Ice Queen” that I am, my admiration goes to people who are not afraid to fall in love over and over again … and actually fight for the love that he thinks he deserves. But I refuse to be labeled as someone who decided “to blend in with millions of heartless zombies who resolved to play safe.” I am the “Ice Queen” after all.

Buti na lang sinapak ako ni God!

In 2005, a few months before my 35th birthday, I was in self-inflicted pain. I was totally depressed and wrecked. I don't know if it was a mid-life crisis but looking back, that was really hell! i was attacked by negative thoughts and pessimism that made me all the more depressive. I was relying on Stilnox at times to let me sleep.

One late night, i had nothing to do and there was an urge to write. I picked up the "35 random questions from someone who will soon be 35yo" as its title. As you can see in the notes below, i never got to finish the supposed 35 questions to justify why my life sucks.

Then, I told myself, sige nga, will try to write down 35 things why I should be grateful for my life… and whoaaa!!! the thoughts just kept on flowing, beyond the 35 i originally considered! And I remember, i completed it in less than 30 minutes…

I am sharing with you guysa glimpse of what must be the darkest moment of my soul, with the hope that one may learn a lesson or two out of my experience.

Mas madami pa ding blessings kesa mga kamalasan… it's just a matter of which way to look at. I discovered that focusing on the positive will make the difference. Life is all about choices. From then on, i chose and i still choose to be happy… and grateful.

HAPPY WEEKEND!!!

Here's what i've written two years ago… incluDing the unfinished item No. 25

35 random questions from someone who will soon be 35yo:

1. What do you do when you reviewed your existence for the past 35 years and found out that you're life is a mess in several aspects?

2. What do you do when one of the major dreams that you set to achieve at 35 crumbles right before your very eyes?

3. What do you do when you feel that you never felt this poor and miserable your whole life?

4. What do you do when you feel burdened by family obligations?

5. What do you do when your bestfriend left to find his destiny somewhere else and you feel so alone?

6. What do you do when loneliness strikes you at times coz there is no one (someone who really understands you and can get through your soul) to talk to coz they could not relate anyway…

7. What do you do when you are surrounded with few people you consider friends but they could not fully understand you because they are not of your kind…

8. What do you do when you thought you are emitionally okay only to find out that the past still haunts you and you are still hurting at times?

9. What do you do when you realized that through the years, you have not fully recovered/ healed from a relationship that you thought existed?

10. What do you do when the "Ice Queen" persona that you created for yourself to prevent others from hurting you, has also become a tool to prevent others from loving you?

11. What do you do when you want to open yourself to LOVE but scared at the same time at the thought of the hurt that it can cause you again?

12. What do you do when you feel your life has been on a plateau because you've been used to the speedy climb up the ladder of success?

13. What do you do when you feel now that nothing much is happening in terms of your career and your personal life?

14. What do you do when you want to soar but your wings are clipped by circumstances beyond your control?

15. WHat do you do when anxiety attacks you in the middle of the night because of thoughts of a bleak not-so-distant-future?

16. What do you do when you feel you are alienated from your family?

17. What do you do when you really want to travel but have no means to do that?

18. What do you do when you think of yourself 40 years from now and fear that you live by your lonesome and ho one is taking care of you?

19. What do you do when you think of the future and picture yourself without the people you have grown closed to? (your parents, friends who passed away ahead of you)

20. What do you do when you have been living independently and have been accustomed to doing things on your own but will have to rely on somebody else when the time comes?

21.What do you do when you see others with a family and you don't have?

22. What do you do when you have more than a dozen expensive designer shoes and other materials goodies yet you feel so empty with your life?

23. What do you do when at 35 you are still trying to find your life's purpose?

24. What do you do when you feel that God seems deaf to your prayers and oh He is so far away and couldn't feel His presence…

25. What do you do when

 35 things to be grateful for:

1. loving family despite our differences

2. well-meaning friends

3. good health

4. my job

5. i still get to travel

6. my condo

7. my apartment

8. my shoes

9. i can still eat anything i want

10. buy things others cant afford to

11. weekly massages

12. my skills

13. i can still buy what i want

14. occasional windfall of money from heaven

15. money arriving at an unexpected time just in time for me to pay my bills

16. waking up every morning

17. my comfortable bed. i have one, others sleep in the street

18. simple things that make life worth living (eating ice cream, fish balls, etc)

19. im grateful for the rain. it m akes me feel young

20. i am physically fit to do body combat

21. my yoga/body balance class

22. meeting new friends at the gym

23. i have the means/money to pay for my taxi instead of riding a bus

24. i get to eat in cozy restaurants courtesy of the company

25. accomplishing my TO DO lists in the office

26. I am still effective in my job

27. I am grateful for the guys im having fun with

28. I have people under me in the office who make my job a bit easier

29. i have a maid in the house who is loyal

30. i am grateful for the good books that i read

31. i am grateful for the food that i eat

32. grateful for having enough money to buy for my medicines and food supplements

33. i have the capability to have a foot reflex wherever or whenver i want

34. i have an ipod nano

35. i have a huge collection of cd

36. huge collections of vcd/dvds, art films especially

37. grateful for people i met along the way who are there to help me depending on my needs at the moment (they are angels in disguise, i may say)

38. I am grateful for i believe i have evolved into a better person with the good and not-so-good experiences that i went through life

39. grateful for the lessons learned the hard way

40. i am still able to go to the mall and shop whenever i want despite the limited money i have

41. grateful for the pantry girl in the office who supplies me with free drinks and sells merienda

42. grateful for someone in the office selling cheap/affordable lunch

43. grateful for the laptop and internet courtesy of my office

44. good officemates who treat me as a colleague or a family member.

45. grateful for the office owned N70

46. grateful for the phone bills are shouldered by the office

47. grateful for the new age classical music which is my current passion

48. i have expensive watches

49. grateful for the flexible time i have in the office

50. grateful for peacefulness in my own room

51. grateful for my meditation time

52. grateful for being alone and not lonely

53. grateful for the "high" i get after an hour long work out at the gym

54. long walks in avenida, ongpin, recto with friends reminiscing of the old times

55. grateful for the headhunters that continue to show interest in me

56. grateful for the unexpected help from people i do not really expect to do something for me

57. grateful for the brighter things ahead of me

58. grateful that i can feel how GOD loves me so much

59. My guardian angel Hadriel

60. St. Clare of Assissi

61. Im grateful for there are still unfulfilled dreams which have the potential of getting realized in the future– ex. i'll travel to italy, live in tuscany, walk the roads of rome– im looking forward to that!

Of "Ice Queens" and "Ice Kings"

I was awakened this morning by a Christmas song being played over the radio. And I realized today is September 1, the start of the “BER”months that would unofficially start the Christmas season in the Philippines. The DJ has also started their official countdown… “It’s 115 days to go before Christmas,”he said excitedly. “And beginning today, we will count the days til we reach the D-day!!!”

“Yeah, right” I shut back as if the DJ was in my room to personally wake me up. I looked at my watch, “Gosh, it’s only 7 a.m,. too early to wake up on a Saturday,” I said thinking aloud. I was irritated coz  I couldn’t blame anybody except myself. I forgot to re-adjust the alarm of my component last night. I was too engrossed reading “Queen of Dreams,” a novel by Indian novelist Chitra Divakaruni (who also wrote “Mistress of Spices” and “Vine of Desire,”among others).

Anyhow, I woke up—so to speak—at the wrong side of the bed. Once I wake up, it’s very hard for me to go back to sleep again. So what would someone do when he  wakes up three hours earlier than he originally intended?

Still in bed, looking at the ceiling, clearing my thoughts and thinking about my “To Dos” for the day, another Christmas song was played on the airwave, this time the mushy song of Gary V. “Pasko na Sinta Ko” Arrrgh, what a song!!! Kaaga-aga (literally), tama bang patugtugin ang kantang yan? Nakakasira ng mood. (Actually, I don’t consider it a Christmas song since all songs in honor of the birth of Jesus Christ are supposed to be happy and cheerful!) “Okay, enough already,” I quickly turned off the radio. Hayyy…. What a way to start my day. “Oh, God, please make my day okay. I don’t want my Saturday to be ruined. I don’t want to be grumpy,” I prayed.

Thank, God. My day was A-Ok. I was able to accomplish my “To Do”list—went to the gym, also had my massage, and on my way home, dropped by Rustan’s Bon Appetit to grab their Rhum Cake, which I’ve been craving for weeks now. Last week, it was out of stock. I’m glad they had it this time.

Reviewing my day while writing this entry, I cannot but think again of the mushy Gary V. song that nearly ruined my day. And I cannot help but pose this question, aren’t Christmas songs supposed to be about celebrating the birth of Jesus and everything about Him? Di ba dapat sya ang bida? It’s just my thought… and a question…

I don’t know, but I avoid listening to Christmas songs that have nothing to do with the birth of Christ at all, especially “Christmas love songs.” Am I the only one feeling this way?” Is it because I’m loveless and songs like “Pasko na Sinta Ko” can stir quite an emotion (read—depress) to people who are members of the club “Samahang Malalamig ang Pasko”?

Am I acting “unfriendly” (read—hostile) towards these types of songs, which use Christmas to awaken dormant emotions of people, who think they have long forgotten the feeling of being romantically in love with someone? People who think they are “Ice Queens”and “Ice Kings”(read—people like me).

Ahhh, whatever… Anyway, my day ended well. And that’s what matters. I don’t want to dwell on negative thoughts.

 The rain, as I was writing this entry, has started to fall. God knows how much I love the rain. I am taking it as His message that I should stop analyzing, that I should now turn my laptop off and just savor the falling rain.

What an added gift! I really love the rain. I love its sound. It has a soothing effect on me. Kung pwede nga lang, maligo pa ko sa ulan but it’s late already. Thank you, God for the rain tonight.